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The next COMEDY is 30th May 2009
Featuring Jimmy Cricket - Billy Pearce + Mick Miller
CLICK HERE
BORN: Some time in 1968, on the stairs by where they keep the crisps. His mother, Dorothy, is vague about the Guv'nor's birthday but she knows that it was "before they put that bloke on the moon, and after the Beatles went off the boil".
HEIGHT: 6' 3". Says the Guv'nor: "That's right, I measure my height in feet and inches, but will they arrest me and make me a metric martyr? Come on Brussels, I'll see you in Court!"
FORMATIVE YEARS: For the first four years of his life the Guv'nor played by the roaring blue gas fire in the snug bar with a whippet and a greyhound - Princess and Lightning - and on occasion was heard to call the dogs Mummy and Daddy. "To this day I find it hard not to roll around on the carpet with my legs in the air when someone tickles my tummy."
FIRST MEMORY: From when he was two and a half years old, tripping up in the snug and banging his head against a horse brass, for three years the Guv'nor had a reverse image of a shire horse on his forehead. "You could make out the hooves and everything."
FAVOURITE COLOUR:
Red white and blue. "But only if arranged in a complicated series of crosses and diagonals, not in three stripes like on the French flag."
FIRST LOVE:
Lager. Flirted with bitter, but came back to the gold stuff after about four months of gastric complications. "Beer - the reason many of us are here, after all."
BEST FRIEND:
Terry Brooks, aged 46, regular drinker. "My best mate in all the world and a man you can rely on to make your pub break-even week in week out."
EDUCATION:
Aged eleven, the Guv'nor gained a scholarship to attend Landlord Academy, for his seven year training as a fully qualified Publican. Here he honed his skills. The Academy, set up by Thackeray's Brewery as the bequest Chairman Lord Dunstan-Powling [d.1933] in 1934 to preserve British and Imperial standards of Hostelry and Victualling, offers a full time residential course for promising boys or the sons of busy publicans - covering every aspect of Pub management. Landlord Academy -which has recently merged with PubTech - boasts the rare honour of being the only college in the country that has not been made a university. "No one pours a pint like an Academy man - you can see it in the way he tilts the glass."
FAMILY:
The Landlord's father died when he was forty five, his allotted two score years and five complete, a lifetime of pints poured and Ploughmen lunched. Otherwise the Guv'nor's closest family is his Uncle Barry who runs The Swan by the canal, who over the years has been like a father to the Guv'nor, offering advice and helping to get the Guv membership of the Grand Order of The Barstewards, and his mother, Dorothy, who is in the Beverley Gardens White Rose Retirement Home - the previous three homes having burned down. Wife - divorced - now living in Italy [whereabouts uncertain] with Hans, the Guv'nor of Die Achtung Spitfeur, a pub in Berlin. She had previously been living with Marcel, the Guv'nor of La Tete du Roi in Paris. She has with him the Landlord's son Carlsberg [born 1994], whom the Guv'nor has not seen in six years. " I miss my boy that's all." |
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